Vulnerable

"Distancing yourself from something that once held your heart can be a kind of withdrawal into the desert of solitude. It is there, in that desert, where desires can be purified. This act is a way to help you detach your desire from the magnetic pulls of this world, in order to attach your desire more firmly to Christ." -Joni Eareckson Tada, No Longer Alone

Vulnerability has never been a strong suit for me.  Ask anyone who has gotten to really know me, or tried to. It's difficult for me to dig deeper, to speak on my feelings and to even realize what I am feeling.  It is much easier, and has been my default option, to ignore and be in denial. Oh, but my vulnerability is definitely there under layers of pride.

So with that said, it takes a lot for me to say, "I have struggled the past two years with adjusting to life back in SoCal." It's mostly because my home is different and I am different.  It's been wonderfully difficult and joyous to completely reprioritize and actually make changes in my life as I come to grips with my weaknesses.  All done so that I can, not just lean on but, fully depend on Him for everything hoping to better love and obey Him.

In this state of "loneliness," I have never been lonely. God has been my constant companion and I have never been more prayerful. Oh, I have had my ups and downs and will continue to do so, but He has been constant.  There have been wonderful friends who have forgiven my faults and have welcomed me time and time again.  It is in this grace shown that I have experienced the love of my Lord deeper and deeper. Oh, I love you, Lord.

Psalm 18:28-34 

For You will light my lamp;

The Lord my God will enlighten my darkness.

For by You I can run against a troop

By my God I can leap over a wall.

As for God, His way is perfect

The word of the Lord is proven

He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

For who is God, except the Lord?

And who is a rock, except our God?

It is God who arms me with strength

And makes my way perfect.

He makes my feet like the feet of deer

And sets me on my high places.

He teaches my hands to make war

So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;

Your right hand has held me up,

Your gentleness has made me great.

You enlarged my path under me,

So my feet did not slip.

I will end on this anecdote that will hopefully encourage and silence some loved ones - 

[ From a sermon I heard months ago and has reminded me time and time again... ] 

Man:  Are you called to singleness? 

Woman: Today, I am. 

<3>

I miss you too :)