"How are you, Amy?"

I suppose this whole ordeal started with that question from a dear friend six months ago. And it was at that moment (and forty-five minutes of mixed sobs and incoherent thoughts put together) that God was exposing me. I couldn't hide it any longer, I couldn't mask my unhappiness with an automatic smile; before my closest friends, He was working in me. The next day, I gathered my family to tell
them around our dusty dining room table.

But I'm pretty sure that this began long before that. Perhaps it was when I was a child teaching other children about God's Word or when my Father knit my fibers and my being in my mother's womb. My dream of being an elementary school teacher by weekday and laborer in God's field by weekend was and is not enough. Oh, how unpleasant and unfulfilled is a life of disobeying God!

Here we are, six months later, and I am sitting at my computer trying to come up with significant and profound words to sum up these moments before I leave the comfort of Southern California for the Philippines, to Philippine Baptist Theological Seminary. But all I can think of is the last two verses of Ecclesiastes.

"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." -Ecclesiastes 11:13-14

After everything that the writer of Ecclesiastes says in ten chapters; wisdom and riches, everything is meaningless. The whole goal of man is to fear God and keep his commandments because we are going to be judged. Scary but true. The loving God who has provided my life and salvation through Jesus Christ will also judge me. We usually adore the God who is loving, but disregard the fact that He is holy and just. I am accountable for my actions, good and bad.

So, how I am?

I am holding onto the LORD and holding to His promises because it is the only semblance of hope that I will be okay. By His grace He brought me here, and by His grace He will get me through. Scared, nervous, excited, anxious, all of the above. But most of all,
I am at peace. I trust Him. It's a throw your life into His hands, scare your parents into coming with you, not worry about the details, kind of trust. Whew.

For some reason or another, you are reading this. You will see somewhat into this journey that God is guiding me through and I am glad you are here. Know that I am only a young woman with imperfections, selfish ambitions and pride but that God's love reigns in me. I pray that you may be able to say the same, and ask yourself how you are.

My life, my future, my love. For me, I am His; I surrender all.